I want to tell someone a secret. For the past few days it's been burning inside me like the desire to burn something, to rip something apart, or to just hold someone's hand. I want to actually believe that it's okay to have my own feelings that have nothing to do with what others want for me or expect of me. Whenever I'm on the verge of understanding something about myself I break my back trying to avoid it. I watch shameful amounts of television. I write pointless stories that I will delete and never read again. I bury myself in books and the lives of other people. I go for walks and do ab workouts that only remind me how much I hate that I care what other people think.
My cousin is in town today and I'm excited to spend time with her. She always calms me in a way that no other person can. Being around her reminds me that I, too, have to live.
That's such an interesting idea...we have to live. What if I don't? What does that make me?
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I hope that you have fun with your cousin, I wish I was in D.C. with you. If you feel like you need to talk to someone give me a call, seriously, I will pick up.
ReplyDeleteBe patient with yourself.
I like this.
ReplyDeleteYou're honest about being dishonest to yourself.
...We only have to live if we intend to continue to do so. But maybe you're talking about a different sort of life.