Trying Again

I'm going to try this blog thing again. I've decided that I usually stop posting because I feel like I'm not talking about real things. I just feel like I'm lying. I don't want to be a liar. I don't want to fabricate feelings and memories. I don't want to create another persona. I have enough of those.

I just want to say something that's real. So this is me trying.

I went to the library today and got a new library card. I had this ridiculously long list in my phone of books I've wanted to read for years. I finally checked them out. I'm finally doing something. I hope I can stick with this. My tendency to sit on decisions (and feelings for that matter) has recently made me semi-hate myself. So I guess you could say I'm turning over a new leaf. I've never liked that saying, but I used it anyway. I don't like the word leaf.

I have a 20 hour a week nanny job. I don't know how I feel about it yet. The baby is only two months. She doesn't ask for much besides your undivided attention. I think I can do that. She smells like heaven when I hold her...and puke. Sometimes puke.

Songs I'm obsessed with currently:
Morning Lullabies by Ingrid Michaelson
Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
Gobbledigook by Sigur Ros
I Found A Reason by Cat Power
Wait for Me by Gregory Douglass
The Fear You Won't Fall by Joshua Radin


Living away from Smith is hard. I didn't realize I had invested so much of myself into those buildings and those people. I've never done that before. I miss feeling like I'm a part of something. I miss Abi. I miss Molly's subwoofer and Vampire Weekend. I miss Sober Dance Parties in Talbot. I miss holding hands and Joshua Radin. I miss Carson.

The end I guess.