Wants

I wanted to call my mom today and tell her how afraid I am of living. I wanted to sit down in her bed and tell her about all the things that have happened to me in the past three years: how I fell in love for the first time, fell out of love for the first time, and am afraid that I don't know how to be alone anymore. I wanted to tell her how far away she feels since Katrina and how my life at Smith has only deepened that divide. I wanted to cry onto her shoulder and actually have her jokes and hugs make me feel better. I wanted to feel like I have a mom again. I know that she loves me and that she will stop at nothing to make sure that I am safe and happy. I'm just afraid that I don't know how to go back to the self-conscious, dependent girl I used to be. I've basically made all of the major decisions about my life since 2005, from where I lived, to where I went to school, to how I managed my money. I just wish she would help me with how to look a girl in the eyes when you think she's wonderful and how to stop yourself from crying when you know it won't make anything better. I wish she could just hold my hand sometimes when I have no idea who I am or what I want.

I wanted to sit next to her in church and still think that she was the only person that could make me laugh so hard that the ushers hushed me from their posts.

I don't know. I just wish things were different.