Sam

Last night I was on the 70 bus around 2 AM. I was sitting next to this ridiculously drunk bald guy who I had an approximately thirty minute long conversation with. Ironically, I said absolutely nothing throughout the entire exchange. In fact I was nodding of to sleep for most of it. He just mumbled on an on incoherently while pointing at my face and then down at my shoes. I would understand the occasional word: "nike", "motherfucker", or "the FBI", but the rest was just this steady hum of nonsense. The perfect lullaby.

When I was stepping off the bus I said goodnight to the bus driver and she just nodded. Then she looked up into the rear view mirror and smiled, half yelling, "Quiet down now Sam. People are tryna get home." The doors shut behind me and I noticed that Sam had already changed seats and was now talking to the old guy who sat two seats ahead of me. The man looked more agitated than he needed to be. Then again, I guess I have no idea what was going through his head.

This whole encounter replayed in my dreams last night too. I found myself wishing that I'd said something to Sam, or smiled, or just let him know that I was listening. I guess I didn't really know the guy, but he obviously wanted to know me, whatever his drunken intentions. Is it really that bad that all sorts of people, from all walks of life want to reach out to us? I think we occupy ourselves so often with the idea of "inconvenience" that we don't give people the chance to change our lives, even if just for a moment. Hell, for all I know, the guys could have been a riot. Then at least I would have laughed once or twice before bed.

Secrets

I want to tell someone a secret. For the past few days it's been burning inside me like the desire to burn something, to rip something apart, or to just hold someone's hand. I want to actually believe that it's okay to have my own feelings that have nothing to do with what others want for me or expect of me. Whenever I'm on the verge of understanding something about myself I break my back trying to avoid it. I watch shameful amounts of television. I write pointless stories that I will delete and never read again. I bury myself in books and the lives of other people. I go for walks and do ab workouts that only remind me how much I hate that I care what other people think.

My cousin is in town today and I'm excited to spend time with her. She always calms me in a way that no other person can. Being around her reminds me that I, too, have to live.

That's such an interesting idea...we have to live. What if I don't? What does that make me?

Trying Again

I'm going to try this blog thing again. I've decided that I usually stop posting because I feel like I'm not talking about real things. I just feel like I'm lying. I don't want to be a liar. I don't want to fabricate feelings and memories. I don't want to create another persona. I have enough of those.

I just want to say something that's real. So this is me trying.

I went to the library today and got a new library card. I had this ridiculously long list in my phone of books I've wanted to read for years. I finally checked them out. I'm finally doing something. I hope I can stick with this. My tendency to sit on decisions (and feelings for that matter) has recently made me semi-hate myself. So I guess you could say I'm turning over a new leaf. I've never liked that saying, but I used it anyway. I don't like the word leaf.

I have a 20 hour a week nanny job. I don't know how I feel about it yet. The baby is only two months. She doesn't ask for much besides your undivided attention. I think I can do that. She smells like heaven when I hold her...and puke. Sometimes puke.

Songs I'm obsessed with currently:
Morning Lullabies by Ingrid Michaelson
Anthems for a Seventeen Year Old Girl by Broken Social Scene
Gobbledigook by Sigur Ros
I Found A Reason by Cat Power
Wait for Me by Gregory Douglass
The Fear You Won't Fall by Joshua Radin


Living away from Smith is hard. I didn't realize I had invested so much of myself into those buildings and those people. I've never done that before. I miss feeling like I'm a part of something. I miss Abi. I miss Molly's subwoofer and Vampire Weekend. I miss Sober Dance Parties in Talbot. I miss holding hands and Joshua Radin. I miss Carson.

The end I guess.