Men

I came to my room to take a nap, but I ended up tidying. This is good. Molly will be home on Saturday and I don't want the room looking atrocious for her arrival. I never realized how much I like living in mess (probably because eventually I get to clean it up).

I'm excited that alot of Capenites will be getting back in the next two days. I want the hallways to feel alive again, and I want to hug Julia and say hello to Charlie. I missed him alot. I missed Julia more.

Today has been a day for Common. I put Electric Circus on repeat for an hour and then I switched to Be. Both albums are great in my eyes, but Kanye is such a good producer that I sometimes prefer Be to other Common albums. I can relax to Common more than I can to any other rapper. Also I like to look at him. He's really pretty. I'm always glad to see a beautiful black man. Nothing makes me happier.

In fact, because I think that everyone should enjoy a beautiful man at some point in their lives, I'll share a few of my favorites with you.

Common



Michael Ealy


Columbus Short


In conclusion, here is Beyonce's video for the single "Halo" from I Am...Sasha Fierce. I like this video for two reasons.

1. It's bright and Beyonce does very little.
2. Michael Ealy




-Kia

Wants

I wanted to call my mom today and tell her how afraid I am of living. I wanted to sit down in her bed and tell her about all the things that have happened to me in the past three years: how I fell in love for the first time, fell out of love for the first time, and am afraid that I don't know how to be alone anymore. I wanted to tell her how far away she feels since Katrina and how my life at Smith has only deepened that divide. I wanted to cry onto her shoulder and actually have her jokes and hugs make me feel better. I wanted to feel like I have a mom again. I know that she loves me and that she will stop at nothing to make sure that I am safe and happy. I'm just afraid that I don't know how to go back to the self-conscious, dependent girl I used to be. I've basically made all of the major decisions about my life since 2005, from where I lived, to where I went to school, to how I managed my money. I just wish she would help me with how to look a girl in the eyes when you think she's wonderful and how to stop yourself from crying when you know it won't make anything better. I wish she could just hold my hand sometimes when I have no idea who I am or what I want.

I wanted to sit next to her in church and still think that she was the only person that could make me laugh so hard that the ushers hushed me from their posts.

I don't know. I just wish things were different.

Cathedrals

So I'm in my room listening to the song Cathedrals by Jump, Little Children. I've loved this song since 1998 when it first hit nationwide radio. But sitting there, alone and a little bit cold, I realized that I don't know any of the lyrics, what the songs about, or why I listen to it. All I know is that everytime that I do, I have the undeniable urge to cry, long and hard. I don't even know what I want to cry about. I just want to lie down and let tears flow down my cheeks and know that I'm feeling something real- something downright life-altering. Of course I never cry. I haven't cried in the entire decade that I've been listening to this song.

I walk over to my laptop and delete the track without even thinking. I just delete it and exit itunes in one swift stride. I don't really know why. It doesn't even matter. In around three months I'll download it again and listen to it nonstop for two weeks, sitting alone in my room, wanting to cry, and not really knowing how.

Once back when I was in eighth grade I made this mix cd that had every sad song that I could think of on it. It had Cathedrals, and Colorblind by Counting Crows, and Needle in the Hay by Elliot Smith. It was my favorite cd. Well, I would play it so loud, for so long, that eventually I didn't hear it anymore. I just felt it vibrating through the room. I just liked the way I had memorized the piano and guitar chords so well that I was positive I could play them if you gave me an instrument. I was sure of it.

I'm listening to "You've Got the Best of My Love" by the Emotions right now and I love it because it reminds me of when my mother dances. She has this huge smile on her face, snaps her fingers to the beat, and steps from side to side. I want to dance like that for the rest of my life.

At the end of my senior year in high school I was obsessed with that movie Once. There's a song in it called "Falling Slowly" that is the most played song in my itunes library. It has 378 plays because I used to put it on repeat while I slept. Ive done that with alot of music. I'll share some of those songs with you at the end of this post, just for fun. Just because when I remember each song I can see exactly who I was when I first discovered them. Maybe that's why i love them so much. Maybe that's why I love music, because even when I'm asleep it moves me.

I don't know why I'm talking about music so much these days. Bear with me.

Songs To Sleep To:
My Time Has Come by Destiny's Child
His Eye in on the Sparrow by Lauryn Hill and Cece Winans (from Sister Act 2)
Love 2 Need 2 Want by Urban Ave 31
Love is You by Chrisette Michelle
Raise it Up from the August Rush Soundtrack
Winter Song by Sara Bareilles and Ingrid Michaelson
Amsterdam by Coldplay
Everybody Needs a Fence to Lean On by Headlights
Just For Now by Imogen Heap
I'm Lost Without You by Blink 182
Play Crack the Sky by Brand New
Try by Nelly Furtado
Home by Vanessa Carlton
Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

-kia

First Entry...

So I deleted my last blog because it didn't sound like me anymore. I could probably go into detail about what that means, but I'm positive you don't care. Anyway the topic of this blog is none other than the unstoppable Beyonce. You know her right? NO? Oh well than I'll show you a picture:


Yeah...there she is.

Anyway I just watched the video for her latest single "Halo", and I think that I had an epiphany...I hate Beyonce. Those of you who don't know me as well as you could will be surprised by this (seeing as I've been a Destiny's Child fan since I performed Say My Name with back up dancers and singers in fifth grade), but I think that my once main girl has officially become an image. That doesn't go so far to say that she was ever a true "artist" (whatever that word means today) or that she is any different today than she was two years ago, but it does say something about who she is becoming.

Now let's get one thing straight: we all know that Beyonce Knowles is a commercial powerhouse. After selling almost 50 million records worldwide with Destiny's Child, she went on to release three highly successful solo albums (garnering five grammy awards alone with her first), and to star in many feature films (ultimately procuring two Golden Globe Nominations for her role in the Broadway musical Dreamgirls). Beyonce's success worldwide is enough to earn her place in pop culture history, and that is of course a fact that I would never aim to dispute in any way, shape or form. That is history.

The question that I am truly trying to ask with this blog is whether it was wrong of me, and countless others like me (because i know you're out there), to love Beyonce for so long knowing that she represented so many things that I don't believe in. For example, what does it mean that Beyonce managed to procure the same number of grammy awards in a single night as Lauryn Hill did in 1998 with her critically acclaimed album The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't ever presume that Beyonce had any of the chops, talent, or insight to create the music that Lauryn did in that single album. In fact, although Lauryn's sophomore effort, MTV Unplugged 2.0 received mixed reviews, the emotion and honesty her lyrics captured rivals some of the greatest lyricists alive. An artist is meant to take us on an emotional journey, to show us how real love, pain, and isolation can be, and how music can embody all of those things. I'm not sure that Beyonce is the girl for the job. I'm not sure why I even presumed that she was. She is after all often referred to as "pop artist", giving her a firm position beside the likes of Madonna, Janet Jackson, and Rihanna (each a success in their own right). These recording artists don't make music. They make money and tunes that people will never forget because they are so catchy and repetitive that a dog could remember them. They can perform there asses off on a live stage and everyone knows it. They can make hits. I just wonder if they can make emotion.

I don't know. I think that at the end of the day I want a song that I can feel moving inside of me long after I've forgotten the tune or the lyrics. I want music that moves me. I guess I'm just disappointed in myself and I thought I'd share it with the general public. Also I recently learned that Beyonce actually sang in the film Cadillac Records. She wasn't dubbed. This might not anger some, but as a die hard Etta James fanatic who respects her artistry to no end, Beyonce's renditions of her songs made my ears bleed. I know that Queen B has conquered every avenue possible with her clothing line, albums, and movies, but even Angela Basset didn't have the audacity to sing Tina Turner's songs in What's Love Got to Do With It. Granted, Angela is not a grammy award winning artist, but she can definitely carry a hefty tune. I just think it's a matter of respect. Only Etta James (and maybe Eva Cassidy) can pull that song off in the way it deserves to be sang. A biopic should never be plagued by contemporary sounds, and Beyonce is the epitome of contemporary music right now. Honestly, if they wanted a current artist to cover Etta's songs they had so many other options (like Cassandra Wilson maybe?). Beyonce's stardom is taking her so many places I just wonder how much she deserves all of these honors. She is definitely a hard-worker and dedicated artist, but she is not the best actress nor is she ever going to be the next Glady's Knight or Phyllis Hyman. She will live on forever just like Whitney Houston, but Whitney unfortunately was a pop artist too.

Okay, I'll stop ranting now and leave you with a few songs by some artists that really know how to move me. Check them out sometime!

Four Women by Nina Simone
Lost Without You by Blink 182
Okay I Believe You, but My Tommy Gun Don't by Brand New
Needle in the Hay by Elliot Smith
Round Midnight by Jazmine Sullivan (cover)
Hey Joe by Jimi Hendrix
Cathedrals by Jump Little Children
Whether You Fall by Tracy Bonham
Nothing Even Matters by Lauryn Hill
Wounds in the Way by Rachelle Ferrell
Sugar/Brown Sugar by Ledisi
O-o-h Child by NIna Simone (cover)
Time After Time by Cassandra Wilson (cover)
Home by Vanessa Carlton
Cry by Hans Zimmer
Your Hands Are Cold by Dario Marianelli

See you for my next entry. Also, does this mean I have to stop listening to Beyonce?

-Kia